Sleep expert Dr. Marc Weissbluth recently hosted a panel of parents at the Y to talk about effective strategies for establishing healthy sleep patterns for their children—and themselves. The video above is an excerpt from the evening and you can listen to audio of the entire hour-and-a-half discussion below. Take advantage of popular Parenting & Family programs available year round at the Y.

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Chalk up another success for child sleep expert Dr. Marc Weissbluth. For the past month, the lucky parents pictured above have been in consultation with the popular author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child on their children’s sleep issues. It was done via email and coordinated by 92nd Street Y Parenting Center Director Sally Tannen, who 92Y Blog readers know well. This past Tuesday night, they met in person at Dr. Weissbluth’s Sleep Smarts event here to discuss what worked and what did not. Grateful emails followed:

Thank you again to Dr. Weissbluth, Sally, and all of the couples who participated. I had a great time listening to your experiences and learned a few things myself.

Happy sleeping everyone!

And:

Brad and I want to thank you for taking the time to work with us. We feel very fortunate to have been part of your study. Because of you, Brad and I have our lives back in the evening which we are very grateful for. We really enjoyed being part of the panel last night, it was a lot of fun sharing our experiences. One day we will tell Samantha that she has you to thank for helping her get her beauty sleep. We hope to be in touch and possibly share updates with you from time to time. Thanks again.

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In this edition of Ask the Parenting Center, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center Director Sally Tannen addresses the problems of a fussy sleeper.

Carrie: I have a 2 year old son who has never been a good sleeper. I think there have only been a handful of nights since he was born that he actually slept through the night. Over the past few months it has gotten much worse. He wakes up about once an hour, cries, kicks, hits & talks in his sleep. I have even seen him sleep walk twice. I have brought him into bed with me thinking he would feel secure & sleep soundly. But even next to me he wakes constantly, kicks, cries etc. I am exhausted & frustrated & I am so desperate for some help!!!

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Sally Tannen: It sounds like you really have your hands full. Some of the things you are describing are very normal for a two year old, like sleep walking/talking and thrashing around.  I think you should start with your pediatrician who may help you, or may give you a referral. Describe to her/him your bedtime routine, starting with what time you start putting him to bed. Some of these things are a stage he will outgrow and others are going to require more input from you. Sleep expert Dr. Weissbluth believes very strongly that putting them to bed earlier is critical to a good night’s sleep. If you are in the NY area, Dr. Weissbluth will be speaking at the Y on Tuesday, November 6th at 8:15pm. Good luck!

Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments.

This question for sleep expert and author Dr. Marc Weissbluth was recently added to the comments of our original sleep advice post, which grew into our Ask the Parenting Center Q&A series. Dr. Weissbluth responds below.

Jessica: Dear Dr. Weissbluth,

I found your book a complete blessing!!

This is my second child; my fiance and I had a routine and everthing was going very well with our son. Naps, bedtime, etc. Very unexpectedly my fiance passed away not even a month ago; May 18th, 2007. Our son is only 6 months old; however, I know he misses his daddy and is grieving also. Forget about his “schedule”—he doesn’t really have one anymore. I keep everything the same to give him the comfort knowing we are still home.

My more-little guy, Brayden, is usually in bed by 8:00pm, now it’s much later—whenever I can get him from screaming so loud and gasping for air to comfort him to sleep. He wakes up many times during the night and each time wants a bottle even if it may be a few sips. Then, with the hours I’ve slept still able to be count on one hand, he’s crying to get up for the day—most of the time it’s not even 6:00am! His naps are usually a fight now also, unless he is just to tired and just gives in. Then they last for 15 minutes—30 if I’m lucky! 

What am I to do?? I know we’re both missing Dad terribly, but I cannot grieve because I’m going through this pretty much alone. I am physically, mentally and emotionally worn out. WE CANNOT GO ON THIS WAY :(

Please, I’m begging you Dr. Your advice worked for us a few months ago. How do I get him back on schedule during this very painful time in our lives? Does he know what’s going on? We were a very close family—he was Papabear’s babybear. Now I’m begging for your help to keep Mamabear and babybear healthy and finally get some sleep.

Please, any suggestions and/or advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed.

Sincerely,
Jessica & Brayden

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Sally Tannen: Hi Jessica,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult things are for you now. I hope Dr. Weissbluth’s suggestions will help you to gain back some control during this really hard time. If you are in the New York area, and would like to stop by the 92nd Street Y Parenting Center, I would be happy to talk with you. Please feel free to contact me anytime.

Regards,
Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

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Dr. Marc Weissbluth: Jessica,

The loss of a loved one sends life into a tailspin. To gain control and avoid a crash landing, sleep routines have to be re-established. Extremely regular sleep routines provide security and your child will be fine. A temporary super-early bedtime and a temporary family bed might help restore the accumulated sleep debt.

Sincerely,
Marc Weissbluth, M.D.
Professor of Clinical Pediatrics
Feinberg School of Medicine
Northwestern University

Your parenting questions are always welcome.

Our Ask the Parenting Center Q&A series has generated a lot of questions from parents about their child’s sleeping and eating habits, but sometimes the questions are much more difficult—especially when they touch upon things like separation, illness and death, sex, starting school, moving, divorce, war and terrorism. The question below from 92Y Blog reader Alice is one example, and is exactly the kind of question our Wonderplay experts will be addressing tomorrow night at a special event for parents, What Do I Say to My Children?

Alice: What do I tell my 4-year-old about the fact that his grandfather is dying in the hospital? Should I take him to see his grandpa to say goodbye?

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Sally Tannen: Hi Alice. These are some of the things to think about as you and your partner decide what to tell your 4-year-old:

What is the relationship between your child and your dad? Do they see each other often? What will he see if he goes to the hospital? Does your father look very different? Is he hooked up to a lot of machines? Does your father want him to visit? Think about your child’s temperament. Is he a worrier? Resilient? Don’t feel you need to give him a lot of information. Follow his lead and answer the questions he asks of you over time.

Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. And come meet all the Wonderplay experts at our event tomorrow night.

[What Do I Say to My Children?]

In this week’s edition of Ask the Parenting Center, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center Director Sally Tannen addresses the problems of a messy food thrower.

Alice: Could you shed a little light on the development of good eating habits and manners? My 1-year-old has recently started a variety of unfortunate behavior with food. He screams for food but after a few bites he starts opening his mouth and either letting the food fall or scraping it off his tongue with his hand. He then tries to get more food. He also has started throwing the food and cup across the room. I have tried taking a break from eating when he does this but he gets so upset that we then have to take him out of his chair comfort him and then begin the whole procedure again. It is all getting a bit silly. While I do not expect him to have great manners at this age, getting through a meal can be a challenge and I would like to break this habit before it gets any worse.

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Sally Tannen: Alice, it sounds like he is very excited about eating, but he’s a 1-year-old, so he’s distracted. If you don’t like the behavior, take him out right away. Don’t feed him anything away from the chair, and try again in a half-hour. Have you given him food he can gum, like cheerios, puffs, chunks of banana or avocado? Some kids have a preference for certain textures, or like being able to pick things up on their own. Try rolling some of these foods in crushed cheerios. That makes it easier for them to pick the food up by themselves. Of course, they are going to throw half of it on the floor. Throwing is like a rite of passage for a toddler. They find it quite entertaining. You can limit the number of things he throws by giving him only a few at a time, and keeping the rest away from his reach. Put a shower curtain under the chair. Let us know how it goes!

Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. We’ll see if one of our 92nd Street Y Wonderplay™ experts can help you.

This week’s question was sent to us by 92Y Blog reader Nancy:

Nancy: I think my question is common, yet my situation seems unique given some of the other questions that I’ve read on the same subject. Nonetheless, I really need some advice.

My 2 ½ month old son is really having trouble taking naps in his own bed. He’ll nap in his swing, his carseat or in my arms, but rarely in his bed. He sleeps pretty well in his bed at night, but it does take some time to get him to sleep.I also have two other children (ages 8 and 5) and their schedules (even just taking them to and picking them up from school) make it impossible for me to have him near his bed for every nap (although I’d do it in a minute if I could!). So, he does end up starting at least one nap a day in his carseat. I sometimes try and move him, and sometimes leave him. If I move him, most of the time he wakes up and won’t go back to sleep (unless I hold him or put him in his swing). If I leave him, he’ll sleep for a few hours but I’m wracked with guilt the whole time thinking I’m creating a really bad situation.

For other naps when we are home, I try putting him down when he gets sleepy (sometimes after nursing, sometimes not) and he seems happy to lay down and will talk and be content in his bed for a bit. But he’ll rarely ever fall asleep. He’ll start a protest slowly and then after a time, get more worked up. I’ve tried leaving him for a few minutes to see if he’ll go to sleep and I’ve tried going in right away to pat him—neither option has worked. Is he too young to let “cry it out”?

My husband thinks I’m crazy and should just let him nap in his carseat or swing since it works, but then what do we do down the road when he outgrows those? Do you have any advice for how I can get my son to nap in his own bed? He’s a very mellow and enjoyable little guy other than when he’s supposed to be napping in his bed.

I miss the time that I could be spending with my husband and girls when I’m running up and down the stairs trying to get him to nap.

Please help if you can!

Thanks,
Nancy

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Sally Tannen: Nancy, your baby is much too young to let him “cry it out.” I wouldn’t even begin to think about doing that until at least 4 months, when they’ve matured more, and their internal systems have become more regulated, but even then it’s a lot to expect of your baby.  He needs to know that you are going to be there for him when he’s upset, and right now he has no idea why he’s crying anyway. Your responding to his needs will help him to feel safe, and he’ll be able to relax and go to sleep without becoming frantic. Many parents have their babies asleep in the car seat and in the swing. It may not be the best, deepest sleep, but it’s better than not sleeping at all, and getting into that difficult cycle you described. I don’t think you have to worry about establishing bad habits yet. His needs will keep changing, his sleeping patterns will change, and you’ll take it as it comes. You have two other children, so it is unrealistic for you to be home all the in time for him to sleep in the crib. Good luck!

Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. 

In this week’s edition of Ask the Parenting Center, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center Director Sally Tannen addresses a question 92Y Blog reader Carrie left in the comments recently:

Carrie: I have a 9-month-old that wakes up quite frequently at night (will usually go back to sleep after a bottle, but will still wake an hour later). I’ve tried sleep training several times, but I now realize that I haven’t been consistent and that is why the plan has failed. I’m at the end of my rope and so I’ve made up my mind that something needs to been done and quick (before I lose my sanity). My question is what to do if my baby throws up during a crying spell? I usually pick him up, get everything cleaned up and then convince myself that this night was a failure and that I should start again another night. I’m also confused as to whether to use the “cold turkey” approach or the “gradual” approach. He does seem to get very upset if I enter the room and then leave again. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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Sally Tannen: Carrie: You are right. Consistency is the key to success! Your 9-month-old will cry that much harder if he knows you’ll give in eventually. Do you give him a bottle every time he wakes up? I think you may want ask your pediatrician if you can give up the middle-of-the-night bottles. If he says yes, which I think he will, then you can concentrate on how to help him fall back to sleep. And while he’s still upset, he’ll have less to throw up. If you don’t want to go in to the room all the time, you and your partner (if you have one) need to come up with a plan that you can both follow.

When you go into the baby’s room, keep the lights off, speak very softly and reassure him that you’re there. Clean him up if necessary, rub his back and go out again, but come back in two minutes, then 3 then 4… Hopefully it won’t take more than a few days.

Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. We’ll see if one of our 92nd Street Y Wonderplay™ experts can help you.

92nd Street Y Parenting Center Director and Ask the Parenting Center blog contributor Sally Tannen received a wonderful email from a very happy mom and daughter that she agreed to share publicly.

Hi Sally,

I just wanted to write a note to say thank you for everything these past few months. I still remember wandering into the Y in those early weeks completely down, feeling isolated and very tired. As I looked at all the parenting class flyers, you approached me with such a welcoming smile and introduced yourself. It was as if you knew exactly what I was looking for… a venue to meet other new moms, a supportive environment, encouraging words, and a pat on the back. I immediately called my husband after meeting you and told him that I wanted to sign up for classes. The New Mother, New Baby class was absolutely wonderful and I made such great friends. We all still keep in touch and meet on our own in other classes or around town. Those strong connections and friendships I made were what made those early weeks (and these current weeks) a bit more bearable. And it’s been so exciting to watch each other’s child grow these past few months and watch them reach their milestones. My daughter and I have also enjoyed the New Parent Get-Togethers. This expanded our circle of friends and I am so grateful for those meetings. To hear other people speak of similar ups and downs have made me feel less isolated and more ‘normal.’

We started at the Y when she was nearly 8 weeks and she is now almost 5 months. We have had the best time learning, laughing and crying with our new friends. We are enrolling in our fourth class (a weekend class) and hope to continue to join the get-togethers when we can. The Parenting Center is such a great place and I hope to return on my off days and of course over the summer. Till then, many thanks for all the sighs of relief and smiles you have given us. 

Best,
[name withheld]

For more parenting information, please visit www.92Y.org/parenting and www.92Y.org/wonderplay.

First, the questions:

Jane: I am sleep-training my second child (4 months). The sleep training went well for both for the nighttime, but naps are a nightmare. My first cried through every nap and never fell asleep until 1 year of age. Now my second is doing the same. I have tried nursing him to sleep and laying him down awake, but drowsy. How do I get him to nap?

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Brian: We have a 10-month-old who sleeps thru the night (7:30 to 6:30 am). We have followed Dr. Weissbluth’s book since she was 4 months old. Our problem is with naps. She only sleeps for 30-45 min (around 9:00 and 1:00). We have to put her down fully asleep or she cries for almost an hour before sleeping for 30 min. What can we do to improve naps?

Thanks,
Brian

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Cristiane: I have a 7-month-old daughter who sleeps pretty well at night. We put her down between 6:15 and 6:45pm. She usually wakes up once at midnight for a bottle and goes right back to sleep. She has even started to sleep through the night a couple of times. She then wakes up between 6am and 7am. My problem is with daytime naps.  She had gotten into a schedule of down at 8:30am sleeping for 45-60 minutes and then again at 12:30 sleeping for 1 or even 2 hours. Recently though, about one hour after waking up, she is sleepy again, but if I try to put her down before 8:30am, she WAKES UP! She only sleeps for 45 minutes at the most, sometimes only 30 minutes. She then gets sleepy again at 11am. Again, if I try to put her down before 12:30, she wakes up! Although she is crabby until 12:30. She has also started to only sleep for 30 minutes. When she wakes up too early from a nap, should I let her cry back to sleep? I tried once and had a wailing child! I have tried the late afternoon nap, but that is impossible. It was fine at 5 months, but she no longer wants it. I also find that if she does take even a 30-minute third nap, it interferes with an easy bedtime. Thanks!

The response:

Sally Tannen: A few parents have recently asked questions about naps. For infants, there is really no such thing as a nap, until 3 or 4 months of age. Newborns cry for all sorts of reasons, none of which you can control. As they get older, the naps will start to regulate and you will be able to recognize that magic moment when your baby is getting drowsy. They will get slightly quiet, they will start to stare off, and they will become calmer. Some babies do better on a schedule, where they’re home, and the baby is in the crib at the same time every day, lights off, etc. And others are content to nap in the stroller while you are out and about. It’s probably true that the quality of the nap is better at home rather than in the stroller, but I think it’s a matter of knowing what your baby needs and responding accordingly!

Sally Tannen
Director, 92nd Street Y Parenting Center

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. We’ll see if one of our 92nd Street Y Wonderplay™ experts can help you.

Jeanna: My son is 14 months old. I have used Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child from the time he was 3 months old and everything I’ve tried has worked… up to this point. He is waking up too early—5-5:30am every day. I don’t believe he is getting enough sleep because he is clingy and grumpy and can barely stay awake until Nap 1 at 9am. He has a good “to bed” routine—dinner, bath, story time, then bed that starts at 5pm, so he is usually down, asleep by 6:30pm. No wake-ups in the night, just early start in the AM. I don’t go to him until 6am, but he still wakes up too early. This has been going on for about 2 months. I’ve tried keeping him awake until 7pm (once), but he woke up even earlier the next morning. Any help would be much appreciated. 

Thanks,
Jeanna

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Sally Tannen: Jeanna,

It sounds like you are doing everything right.

Try putting some books in his crib so he can look at them when he wakes up. It’s great that you are not going to him right away. You may just need to go to bed earlier yourself while he is in this phase. Nothing lasts forever!

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. We’ll see if one of our 92nd Street Y Wonderplay™ experts can help you.

Sleep, or the lack of it, is always a major issue for new parents. The below advanced question from 92Y Blog reader Marie was left in the comments of last weeks’ post. This week, Sally Tannen rises to the challenge.

Marie: Please help! My 21-month-old is totally regressing. He was sleeping a normal night approx. 7:30pm to 7:00am… Since having our new baby (now 4 months), he has begun the nighttime struggle to just get him into bed, and some nights (about 3 nights a week) is up repeatedly, 10-15 times. I’ve read Dr. Weissbluth and for 3 months now I’ve been putting him back in his bed, no talking, no interacting. I just patiently, as if I’m a robot, put him back in bed cover him up and leave. My husband has also followed this rigid routine. We alternate nights, too. The only other interaction we have with him is to change a very wet diaper. There is NO reward for him to be doing this. I have studied behaviour extensively and understand the theory behind the structure, routine and reasoning behind Dr. Weissbluth’s theory, but it’s not working for our situation! My husband and I are at our wits end! I have another young baby that is also still adjusting her sleep schedule, and we’re EXHAUSTED! Please help!

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Sally Tannen: Marie,

The good news is that you know your toddler is capable of sleeping through the night. Many parents could not say that. As you know, the arrival of your new baby has turned things upside down for him, and it’s going to take some time, and some new strategies to get things back on track. Is the new baby in the same room with you? I would imagine that your toddler would find that very hard to take. You are not doing anything wrong, but you have to think outside the box for a while. Can you rearrange where everyone is sleeping temporarily? That may sound crazy, but something has to give, and since you know about behavior you know that it’s a matter of “changing the system.” None of this will last long, as everyone in your family adjusts to the new baby.

Good luck!

Have a parenting question of your own? Email it to us or leave it in the comments. 

Taking a hint from the comments that continue to appear on this post—in which Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child author Dr. Marc Weissbluth and our own Parenting Center Director Sally Tannen field questions from parents with young children who have trouble sleeping—we’d thought we’d take this opportunity to inaugurate a new weekly feature on this blog: Ask the Parenting Center.

Are you a parent of a young child? Do you have questions or concerns about your child’s sleeping or eating habits, or anything at all? Email us your parenting questions or leave a comment below and we’ll see if one of our 92nd Street Y Wonderplay™ experts can help you. New answers will be posted here every week.

Here’s a question a reader asked in the comments of that original post, followed by Sally Tannen’s advice:

Laura: My daughter has never slept through the night. She is twenty-one months and wakes every 2-2½ hrs. I have tried earlier bed time, consistent naps, bedtime routine, cry-it-out method, etc… nothing is working. She was diagnosed with silent reflux at two weeks old and it has been a struggle since. She does however fall asleep without a problem for naps and bedtime. The night wakings are taking a terrible toll. I generally end up crying next to her crib at night wishing she would just go back to sleep. The only way we get peace is if I nurse her to sleep, but that lasts only for a couple of hours.

My husband and I are at the end of our rope. I cannot get through the day without a breakdown. I don’t know what else to do?

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Sally Tannen: I am Sally Tannen, director of the Parenting Center at the 92nd Street Y, and I am responding to Laura’s post.

My guess is that that you’ve tried too many different strategies. You need to stick with one and be consistent. I know how hard that is. We are all softies, and no one likes to hear their baby scream. But I promise you that it would only take a few days before your baby gets the message that you mean business. So, when you’re really ready, you and your husband should first agree on a plan (who is going to get up when she cries, what you’re going to say). Probably the hardest thing will be to stop nursing her during the night, especially when you know it puts her to sleep. But she is going to keep waking up if she knows she’ll have that bonding time with you. Who wouldn’t?! When you go into her room, you need to be as unemotional as you can. Speak in a monotone. Go into her room and say something like, “Everyone is sleeping. The birds are sleeping, daddy is sleeping,” etc. Pat her on the back and walk out. If she continues, give her a few minutes before you go in, and then do the same thing. Remain unemotional and detached. It will be exhausting, but not worse than it is now, and if you are consistent, she will start to get the message.

Good luck!

Email or leave your parenting question in the comments. Our experts are here to help. 

Dr. Marc Weissbluth is well known to new parents for his expert guidance on helping babies sleep soundly. His book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, sits on the nightstands of sleep-deprived parents everywhere. He’ll be here next Tuesday and Wednesday to discuss healthy sleep habits for babies and he’ll have three local couples on stage with him Tuesday.

These parents are members of our Parenting Center and subscribers to our Parenting Activities email list. They responded to our call for participants and have been in consultation with Dr. Weissbluth for the past month via email. After the jump, we offer excerpts from these three sets of email exchanges in the hope they might be of use for other parents of young children with sleeping problems.