Actress/humorist/former co-host of Dinner and a Movie on TBS/New York ex-pat Annabelle Gurwitch is the editor of Fired!: Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized, and Dismissed. Recently re-released in paperback, it’s packed with contributions from top comedians—Sarah Silverman and Tim Allen to name a few. Getting fired from a job or project is not an uncommon experience in Hollywood (or the rest of America) and it can be a real bonding experience when roasting camp-fired stories with others. Annabelle will be at Makor this Thursday to share the best and you can submit your own story to be read at the event. Writer-performers Wendy Spero and Beth Lapides also headline this night of L.A. Literati. Here’s more on Annabelle Gurwitch, the New York years. 

How many years, apartments and what neighborhoods have you lived in NYC?
I moved to New York when I was about to turn 18 to start NYU, at the time it was my life goal to be a New Yorker, I thought that in order to get listed in the Manhattan phone book you had to do something.

I lived in a series of apartments, each got smaller and smaller in the middle of the Village and then in the West Village. The last place I lived in was referred to by friends as Son of sublet. It was a sublet of a sublet of a sublet that I rented from my Sikh yoga teacher and I had to pretend that I was someone else to live there. The floor was slanted, you could be in bed, grab a bagel from the mini-fridge, and answer the door at the same time. My downstairs neighbor was a handyman who was slightly fixated on me. I had hired him once to build bookshelves and made him chicken soup when he caught a cold. After that, every time I entered the building, he would play, “If I were a carpenter and you were a lady” on his piano. Eventually, I had to take out a restraining order, but that didn’t prevent him from playing that song. I still dream about that apartment. Sometimes I dream that there were other rooms attached that I never knew about, sometimes I dream that I still live there and wake up in a sweat. Basically, I moved to LA so I could afford to have a closet. That apartment didn’t even have a closet.

One of the weird, unexpected perks of moving to LA is that now when I come back to NY to do plays, or visit, I often sublet places. I have lived in every neighborhood in town now and I know the city so much better.

I had a loft for a summer in Brooklyn under the Williamsburg Bridge, where I got to watch my Chassidic neighbors get serviced by the local prostitutes; a Murray Hill pied-à-terre; an Upper East Side highrise faceless condo with a fantastic indoor pool; and a Harlem rehabbed brownstone where I often stay and get views of the George Washington Bridge.

What’s your best (or worst) NYC taxi story?
I had a friend in NYU who used to trade cab fare late at night for jokes. I never had the nerve to do that, but I came with her once as she worked her way up and down the city bartering for rides. I don’t think you can do that anymore.

What era, day or event in New York’s history would you like to re-live?
I had always hoped to live in the “Woody Allen” New York era. Spanning several decades, his New Yorkers reside in large rambling Upper West Side apartments overlooking Central Park, can afford to attend as many therapist sessions as they truly need and they stride down the streets accompanied by Gershwin. The closest I will ever get to that is the opening shot of my film “Fired,” inspired by my brief employ by Mr. Allen. Of course, I couldn’t afford Gershwin for my film, so when you see the film you are hearing Gershwinish.

What’s your New York motto?
If it’s on Page Six it must be true.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
Recently, as everyone knows, trans fat was banned from restaurants. As a former chef—OK, a former fake television chef on Dinner and a Movie—I did learn a lesson from the real chefs I worked with. How do you spell flavor? F-A-T. When I go to a restaurant I just want my food to taste good, please don’t tell me what’s in it. This is a disconcerting moment in New York history in my opinion.

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
Fran Lebowitz once said, “The great outdoors is the space between my front door and a cab” – I love that and subscribe to that philosophy.

What was your best dining experience in NYC?
I have a favorite haunt in New York, The Chocolate Bar on 8th Ave. in the Village. I like to start with a green tea dark chocolate, moving on to a nutty dark chocolate, finishing my meal with flower-flavored dark chocolate, washing it down with a soy hot chocolate. Then I collapse in a coma. 

With a nod to Milton Glaser, how much do you really love New York?
Even though I have seen with my own eyes where they store street vending machines in warehouses on the west side, I still buy pretzels on the street.

Of all the movies made about or highly associated with New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
My favorite New York role of all time is Dianne Wiest in Bullets Over Broadway. I also love Mia Farrow in Broadway Danny Rose and there’s Angelica Huston in Crimes and Misdemeanors.

If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
Frankly, I miss the prostitutes and detritus on 42nd Street. I hope that one day they return and get jobs as Disney princesses.

The End of The World is finally happening. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
I believe if the end of world was announced, I would do what many New Yorkers would do. First I would loot the downtown Barneys store. I would like the world to spend the end of the world in a Marc Jacobs dress and expensively moisturized skin. Then I’d head over to The Beatrice Inn, have a great meal and who cares if it’s the end of the world.

[Firings, Haikus and Microthrills: Dispatches from the L.A. Literati: 1/25/07]