Artist/Writer/Activist/Performance Artist turned Standup, Beth Lapides is the comedic force behind Un-Cabaret and her first book, Did I Wake You?: Haikus for Modern Living, was published in November 2006. She joins Annabelle Gurwitch and Wendy Spero at Makor on Thursday for a night featuring L.A. Literati who also happen to be former New Yorkers. Beth plants her right foot in Los Angeles and her left in New York (presumably to keep an eye on Mexico) in this power-combo 92YQ.

How many years, apartments and what neighborhoods have you lived in NY/LA?
NY: Ten years. Two apartments. One loft. Three neighborhoods. Little Italy. East Village. Williamsburg. Married a man who grew up in NY so consider Central Park West and the Lower East Side to be my neighborhood-in-laws.
LA: 4 apartments, Hollywood, Los Feliz, Hancock Park. But now that I go back and forth between LA and Palm Springs I stay in West Hollywood, Beachwood, Marina Del Rey. And feel I live in more of the city even though I don’t actually reside there.

What era, day or event in NY/LA’s history would you like to re-live?
NY: The Algonquin Room.
LA: Founding of United Artists.

What’s your NY/LA motto?
NY: Let’s just take a cab.
LA: Namaste.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NY/LA for good.
NY: You never leave New York for good.
LA: You never leave LA for good.

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker/Los Angeleno of all-time?
NY: Toss up between Lady Liberty and Allen Ginsberg.
LA: You mean the most famous?

What was your best dining experience in NY/LA?
NY: Crafts services on Sex and the City.
LA: Any restaurant connected to a hotel.

With a nod to Milton Glaser/Randy Newman, how much do you really love NY/LA?
NY: Love cannot be quantified. But if it has to be: I love NY totally except when I have my period and my sense of smell is super tweaked.
LA: I am LA’s bitch.

Of all the movies made about or highly associated with NY/LA, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
NY: The Empire State Building in Andy Warhol’s Empire State Building.
LA: One of the skate punks in the Dogtown and Z-Boys doc. 

What happened the last time you went to NY/LA?
NY: Bad weather. I have had a bad weather curse on my trips to NY for the past couple of years. Must get out of the winter/summer loop into the spring/fall loop. Did a reading at the Players Club, screenings at Mo Pitkins where we also taught. Focused on not saying ‘when I lived here...’. New York is always changing and if you are always looking for the New York you lived in when you visit you will always be disappointed. I am not good with disappointment although LA is teaching me to be better.
LA: Pick up mail. Un-Cabaret show. Yoga. Shop for shoes to wear on upcoming trip to NY. Teach an Un-Cab Lab. Interview Emmy winning writers for The Other Network Writer’s Room. Marvel at the late afternoon light. Watch a screener. Played with friends’ kids. Receive belated Xmas gift/frequent sleeper reward/we’re raising our rates bone from boutique hotel (Tiffany wineglasses?!). Pick up more mail. Try but fail to fit in a hair cut.

If you could change one thing about NY/LA, what would it be?
NY: Squeezing out of artists.
LA: The distance it is from Palm Springs.

The End of The World is finally happening. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NY/LA?
NY: Find Greg. Eat pizza.
LA: Get with Greg. Practice yoga.

[Firings, Haikus and Microthrills: Dispatches from the L.A. Literati: 1/25/07]