Actress/comedian/writer Wendy Spero, author of Microthrills: True Stories from a Life of Small Highs, was supposed to perform last week at Makor with Annabelle Gurwitch and Beth Lapides in a night offering “Dispatches from the L.A. Literati” with three former New Yorkers. Unfortunately, Wendy had to cancel at the last minute due to “emergency gum surgery"—a bad break for someone who tries to make a living by talking. The show went on, as it always does, so for now you’ll just have to be entertained by her in the written form until the next time she makes it back here.

How many years, apartments and what neighborhoods have you lived in NY/LA?
NY: I grew up in a small one bedroom apartment with my mother on the Upper East Side, in Yorkville, and I was there until I left for college. After college I moved into a three-bedroom, six floor walk-up on 95th and Madison and lived there for many years with at least twenty different roommates - all vaguely sketchy - from Craig’s List. Eventually I moved to Park Slope near this fabulous pottery store that also sells finger puppets - The Clay Pot. There were a lot of babies in that neighborhood, and I’m fairly baby-obsessed, so that worked out well. And those babies were slightly more down-to-earth than than the babies on Madison. But Tasti-D-Lite hadn’t yet come to Brooklyn and that was a bummer.
LA: I’ve been living in West Hollywood for two years now. 

What’s your best (or worst) NYC taxi/LA freeway story?
NY: A few months ago I went to NYC and left my suitcase in the trunk of a taxi. I had a mild meltdown, and called “311” - the lost and found department - and this woman was like, “I’m going to need you to take a deep breath, ma’am. Okay...I’m going to tranfer you...but I will stay with you. I WILL stay with you. We will find your bag.” She treated it like a “911” call. She contacted the taxi company and the cab drove back with my bag the next day.
LA: I once accidentally went on a freeway. (I recently learned how to drive and would never ever dare purposely go on a freeway). It was a very “Clueless” moment, and my instinct was to get out of the car and yell for help, but I remained relatively calm and luckily it was very backed up, and I got off at the next exit.

What era, day or event in NY/LA’s history would you like to re-live?
NY: I’d like to relive Halloween in the 80’s as a child in New York City. I lived in a high-rise apartment building, and I got to trick or treat by riding up and down the elevator - all while wearing socks. I never had to wear a puffy jacket over my costume or ruin a look with a clunky pair of snow boots.
LA: I think there was a day last year when it rained. No mudslides or anything, just your basic rain. It was cozy. I’d like more rain.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NY/LA for good.
NY: I was working as an assistant for this executive-y guy in an office as a day job. One day I spilled French dressing on his message pad. Then I got eyeshadow glitter all over his budget reports for the fifth time. I knew I wasn’t capable of working in an office anymore and had to change my life and learn how to drive and move to LA, where there seemed to be more acting gigs. 
LA: I just got to LA. Well, two years ago, but it feels like a few months. I haven’t had to leave yet, but when I do, perhaps, leave for good, I’m not sure it would be a low moment.

What was your best dining experience in NY/LA?
NY: For my (I think it was 10th) birthday I went to a restaurant called Woods with my grandparents. And they befriended a tall woman with a protruding jaw who was seated nearby. She said she was a singer. She eventually joined our table and sang “happy birthday” to me. After we left, a waiter came running after us, asking what it was like to talk to Carly Simon. We didn’t know who that was, but it was exhilarating to know that I had had contact with an actual famous person. My second best dining experience was when I was like, five, and I went to the Tavern on The Green with my grandfather and had eggs benedict. I remember being very uncomfortable in my tights - they were falling down in rolly bunches towards my ankle. But it was the fanciest place I’d ever seen, and someone there gave me a maroon balloon towards the end of the evening.
LA: All sushi places are orgasmic.

With a nod to Milton Glaser/Randy Newman, how much do you really love NY/LA?
NY: I love New York more than words in a Q&A could ever express.
LA: Not that much. A little. I love it a little.

What happened the last time you went to LA/NY?
LA: I took a door off of a Mercedes on Melrose.
NY: I got a 103 fever ON the plane there. I spent a week in my mother’s very cluttered apartment without internet and I couldn’t watch TV because my mother’s set is below the rim of the bed, so you have to be sitting perfectly upright to view anything. Then I got pink eye at JFK on the way back.

If you could change one thing about NY/LA, what would it be?
NY: I would make it a thirty minute train ride from LA.
LA: I’d demand people walk on the streets, so I could properly people-watch.

The End of The World is finally happening. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NY/LA?
NY: Get stoned, go to Dylan’s candy bar, and then rummage through the stuffed animals at FAO Shwartz.
LA: Sit on the trolly at The Grove mall and marvel at the fountain while eating a super ripe peach from the farmer’s market. In February.

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